Figuring Out Life

1 month left until I return to work. 1 month until I can no longer be with my baby boy 24/7. In ways I am joyful that I will be back to work, having a daily purpose but in other ways I am sad.

I one day dreamed that I would become as stay at home mother. There is no doubt that I could do it. I would just need to find other things to do all day. I am an introvert but even an introvert needs to get out and about. I would need a routine, which is doable. But I also love going to work 5 days a week! All my friends are at work so I can do my job and be sociable. I can be a part of the world instead of becoming a hermit! And the same with my children! I would rather my child and future children be at a daycare/babysitter that has other children around. Having other children around will help with their social skills and to be outgoing with other people.

So what shall I do to prepare to go back to work? I already have a pumping schedule down to where I will only have to pump once while at work. I have a babysitter already lined up for during the week, my family will watch him on the weekends I work. But the problems that I foresee are making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning house, and keeping up on the dishes.

We have gotten a dishwasher so some, not all, dishes will be able to be done there. But if I want to keep my kitchen in order I need to wash what little dishes I make in the evening. Shouldn’t be too hard. Keeping up on laundry shouldn’t be too hard. But I also hate hanging and folding laundry, even if it is easy. Every time I let my clean laundry pile up I have tons of laundry to hang and fold. And every time I wonder why I wait until then to do it because it is easy and goes by so quickly. Growing up my mother would make us morning routine lists and we would have to make sure everything was checked off and done before school. If it wasn’t done there would be a punishment. So I am going to make daily to do lists to keep up on laundry and cleaning house. So then I’m not doing so many chores on one given day of the week. I am doing 1 or 2 chores daily.

As for making dinner. I plan on making monthly meal plans where I can make and freeze them ahead of time. From lasagnas, enchiladas, chili, soups, and smoothies. I love to cook! But if I could have just part of the cooking done like marinated meat or all the ingredients in a bag that need thrown in the crock pot or a tin pan that just needs put in the oven! Anything will help me be the wife I know I can be and the mother I want to be! I want to take care of my home as well as enjoy my family!

It’s going to take some work but I am hoping to succeed!

 

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It Could Be Worse…

I sat rocking my baby tonight and couldn’t help but cry. It seems that if something is going well for me it never lasts long. For the past few days it seems it take hours for Titus to fall asleep! I stay up rocking, swaying, walking, shushing, and proclaiming my love for him and nothing really seems to work until I try them all! I feel defeated and my husband works 3rd shift so he needs his sleep. Right now everything seems to be put on me! I know I can do it but when I go back to work I won’t be able too! It seems that it takes some men longer to become and realize that it’s time to be a parent!

But I sit here now and realize it could always be worse. Titus could never end up falling sleep at night and sleep all day, he could be very sick, he could cry ALL the time, or he could be vomiting all the time! The point is that we can struggle through life but if we hand it all to God He will take care of it! He will take care of us! He will take care of me! He will take care of you! When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, just remember, it could always get worse!

I Held You!

There are moments in my day where I look around my little apartment and realize how much there is to do! The dining room/desk area has needed organized for a while now, the dishes need clean, laundry needs done, the floors need vacuumed, and a whole lot of others chores need done! But what is it I do with my whole day? I hold my baby! Do I put him down time to time to do a little bit of the chores? Yes! Are the chores my number one priority? No. I spent the first week of my little boy’s life stressing and worrying! I told myself that I needed to enjoy my child as long as I could because they will never be this little again! Soon he won’t want me to cuddle him all the time, he won’t want me kissing all over him, and he will be wanting to crawl and play all the time! So I choose to have a messy house because I choose to lay my child in my arms or on my chest to sleep. I choose to stare at his precious little face looking up at me! There is no other place I would rather be than sitting in a chair looking at my little boy!

At night I bath him, read him a bedtime story, feed him, and then rock him to sleep. Lately I have been catching myself prematurely laying him down in his crib too soon! Which means I am going to and from his bedroom trying to calm him with his soother and go back to sleep. In the end I usually have to pick him back up and rock him longer to go back to sleep. I would much rather be out in my chair watching television, playing games on my phone, or even cleaning up the house rather than rocking him so long to sleep. Sometimes it takes me 40 minutes to rock him to sleep. I realized I need to enjoy this time with him! He is happy in my arms, smelling my skin and falling asleep to the sound of rain! Which means I should be soaking in the love and bond that we are sharing! I don’t always realize it but my son is becoming more and more like a momma’s boy! Sometimes he just wants me! Me to hold him, me to look at, or even just me to feed him in the mornings instead of daddy! He isn’t always going to want to admit that he is a momma’s boy so I want to soak it in! I need to LIVE IN THE MOMENT! Be his one and only! Teach him love and kindness!

Just a little advice to new or even advanced mom’s.

Live in the moment!

The chores will still be there tomorrow!

 

What Were We Thinking?

3 weeks and 2 days old and we have attempted a weekend away with Titus! We are away for 3 days and 2 nights and I can’t believe all the things we needed to pack for just that amount of time. The car was filled to the ceiling and this momma is tired! Titus didn’t sleep well last night so I was already pretty tired. I didn’t wake up when I wanted to so I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day!

First we had to run to the bank to get money out, then we ran and got momma coffee (because momma DEFINITELY needed it this morning!), then it was off to Sally’s for shampoo, conditioner, and hair color, and by that time I realized I hadn’t eaten anything! So a quick stop to get food and then off to home. My sister was staying with us the past few days so when we got home she was just getting home from work so while I pumped she fed Titus and put him down for nap so she could bake brownies for me and clean my dishes! She is a blessing! While she did that I packed Titus’s bag and our bags and everything else you need for a baby staying in a hotel! By the time I was done I need to run to Aldi to get snacks, beverages, and lunch items so we aren’t eating out the whole time! I get back and I have to wake up Josh so he could load the car and I could once again pump and feed Titus! Quick side note: Does anyone else think pumping can be a drag sometimes? It just seems like it consumes my whole day!

By the time we got out the door and fifteen minutes away my sister calls and tells me that I forgot my pump parts! (Can you sense my annoyance?) So we turn around get those and we are behind on our schedule! I hate being late! We stop in Fairlawn for Josh’s tuxedo rental and more coffee and Titus starts to get fussy. I felt the same way! We were finally off to stow for the weekend for a wedding! Everything seemed to be better until we arrived at the hotel! I am unpacking the car when I realize I forgot my dress! (Yes, things just got worse!) So I have a screaming baby who needs changed and fed and I am trying to contact my mother to see if she would be willing to drive to my house to get my dress and bring it to Stow! I’m not sur how long it all adds up to but it’s a pretty long trip when you first have to drive the opposite direction to get to my house then back through her town and to Stow!

I don’t know what I would do without my family! They help me out in so many ways that I it’s hard to find the right way to say thank you! I just want to hug them and cry sometimes! So here we are waiting for my mother and brother to bring me my dress! Up side for them is that they get to come and swim in the pool! Time to start the wedding festivities!

Oh, did I mention it is an all day wedding tomorrow?? And Sunday we are going to Josh’s relatives to meet Titus all day? I am definitely going to need a lot of pray for patience and to remember to have fun!

 

Sleep Update!

Last night was a total SUCCESS! I couldn’t believe it! Around 1 am we had a rough spot but the only problem was he had to poop! When I laid him down he stayed down. Normally, he would have to go down with his soother and within the next 10-20 minutes he would be crying again. I would have to get up and rock him for at least an hour because all he would want is to lay on me or be near me. Last night he would start grunting or slight crying and would go right back asleep! It literally felt like a parenting win! I know not all nights will be like that one but it was great to sleep in between feedings! I honestly think it is because I put my scent in the crib with him and but a rolled up towel next to him. The scent from my shirt let him know I was near and the towel made him feel snuggled and secure! If there are any parents out there struggling to get their newborn to sleep at night in their own bed I definitely recommend this “technique”! Hopefully tonight will go just as smoothly as last night!

 

Sleep Routine

My husband works 3rd shift at a car parts manufacturer. He was allowed paternity leave for 3 weeks with no pay. He took a week off before Titus entered this world just in case he decided to come early. He went back to work this past Monday evening and I was so nervous. Would I be strong enough to take care of a child at night by myself and get enough sleep? Surprisingly it hasn’t been all bad. The only thing is Titus has become a co-sleeper. All he wants to do is sleep next to me or lay on top of me! While this is all wonderful and I don’t ever want it to stop, it has to. If he doesn’t learn to sleep by himself, in his bed he want ever want to do it when he grows up. I don’t know about all of the other mom’s in the world but I already don’t like sharing a bed with my husband! So the adventure begins tonight wear we keep Titus in bed. Whether I am up all night rocking him back to sleep or just putting the soother back into his mouth, he is staying in bed!

Tonight is night 1. Things are going smoothly so far. I don’t want to get my hopes up but the routine that we have started is working well. The routine was given to me by my mother. She told me it was what we would do with my little brother. It starts with giving him a bath about an hour or more before his last feeding before bedtime. Tonight I bathed him around 6:45-7 pm. After bathing and putting lotion on him I went and got his bottle ready so it could be ready when I needed it. We sat down in the glider in his bedroom and I read him a bedtime story to try and keep him awake. My mother says if you bath him and try to keep him awake until his feeding he will go to bed easier. After reading a story we try to have some “eye” time and just talk to each other. Tomorrow night I may incorporate tummy time. He barely could stay awake during the bedtime story tonight so we didn’t make it to the time I want to but it is a work in progress! After “eye” time I fed him a warm bottle, gave him his soother after he was finished and burped, and rocked him to sleep. Holding my baby boy to sleep is probably the best thing in the world. He is calm and motionless! Snuggled up against you, you are the only person he wants! I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything!

Now, Titus has been having trouble sleeping on his back. My mother said some babies just aren’t back sleepers. She said she bought the foam triangles for my brother to sleep on his side, he wasn’t a back sleeper either, but all he wanted to do was sleep on his belly. I am not buying those foam triangles when all you need is a rolled up bath towel! And I also had the thought that if he is more comfortable sleeping with me maybe if I put the shirt I wore that day in bed with him he would sleep better. Why, you ask? My scent is all over that shirt from the whole day! If he smells my scent he will be more comfortable sleeping! So when I laid him into bed I removed the heating pad, I warm his bed with a heating pad before feeding him so the bed won’t be cold, I positioned his back up against the towel and laid my shirt close enough that he could smell it but not suffocate if he rolled onto his front!

I sat in my living room waiting patiently to hear his cry after 10 minutes, like I normally do, but I heard nothing! He was sleeping! I continued to watch television and I heard him grunting a little bit after a while. I asked my husband to go check on him and make sure he didn’t roll onto his front and was suffocating in my shirt. He indeed had rolled onto his front and my husband didn’t like how much of his face was into my shirt so he rolled him back! He didn’t know that I was laying him on his side to sleep so he rolled him on his back. He continued sleeping! Maybe it’s the smell of my shirt along with having something laying right up against him that soothes him to sleep! I don’t know and I don’t care! He is sleeping in his bed!

Will this last all night? Will it last forever? Only time will tell if this all works, I am hoping it does! Because in the end mommas need to take care of themselves so they can take care of their families! I will try to update tomorrow about how the night went! Pray everything works out for me!

 

Baby Blues

You never really understand what people are talking about when they warn you about the baby blues. It could literally be about anything and everything at the same time. For me it was the stress of him not being able to latch on to my breast for breastfeeding. He never truly did without a nipple shield and I was trying so hard to hold everything in. He couldn’t open his mouth wide enough and his chin is recessed so it was already difficult for him to latch on.

We went home on December 30, 2016 and it was emotion overload! I was excited, scared, worried, and sad all at the same time. Questions ran through my mind like “Can I do this?” “Will I be able to survive?” “Will I be able to take care of another human being?” “Were we actually ready for this?” As we exited the hospital parking lot a song came on the radio that explained everything that I was feeling. The song was “I’ll Keep On” by NF. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bTYKwkr6Y0 ) The first words were “Oh these hands are tired Oh this heart is tired Oh this soul is tired But I’ll keep on” just these words made me cry and reminded me that everything would be okay. God put us and this song in the same moment for a reason. To remind us that we could handle this and everything will be okay!

December 31, 2016, New Year’s Eve, rolls around and I am past exhausted and with dealing with the breastfeeding I broke down and called my mother. I couldn’t stop crying so my mother left her party to come take care of us at 10:30 pm. It was great just having someone other than my husband who knew what I was going through. She helped me with nursing and pumping and washed my dishes. It was truly a blessing that my mother showed up. I don’t think I would have made it through the night without her help.

After my mother came to help me I went to a breastfeeding center a couple of cities over and it was all wonderful help but overwhelming at the same time. I left the center emotionally wrecked and still had to go to my little brother’s 12th birthday party! A couple of days later I decided that I was going to pump and feed it to him through a bottle. I had found out that he wasn’t getting enough milk straight from the breast and wasn’t gaining weight like he was supposed to. I am definitely less stressed now and am enjoying my newborn and the moments we have together! Stress over something so minor isn’t worth losing the precious moments you have with your newborn. You will never get those moments in life!

 

The Day I Have Been Waiting For!

 

It’s been 13 days since this beautiful miracle entered our lives! The journey was long and emotionally rough sometimes but totally worth it in the end.

The day was December 27, 2016 when I went into my routine appointment to get checked. It also happened to be my due date. The doctor checked me and told me I was still only 1 cm dilated. She ordered an ultrasound to check if the baby was going to be 9 or 10 pounds. Turns out he was around 7 pounds 12 ounces and the technician said there was very little amniotic fluid! He explained this to the doctor and the doctor ordered a stress test. If the baby was under any stress we were going to the hospital right away to be induced and monitored. If not, we were going home to finish getting the house ready, finish packing, and eat dinner before coming back at 7 pm.

At 7 pm I was induced. The contractions started and I lasted 7 hours before the contractions were coming very often but were short lived. I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to enjoy my labor with him as much as possible. I chose to get the epidural which was terrifying and hilarious to me all at the same time. I couldn’t move or feel anything below my waist which I always found hilarious because every time they would move me or lift my leg I couldn’t feel it but I saw them moving it!

On December 28, 2016, at 6:08 pm, Titus James Allen Vukich decided to grace us with his presence! I was in labor for 23 hours but only ended up pushing for 24 minutes. Some of that time even included waiting for the doctor to arrive. It all happened so fast that when he came out all I saw and thought of was him. He was so beautiful and I was so relieved that I finally got to see hid tiny little face. He was 7 pounds 13 ounces and 18 inches long. I didn’t even hear the doctor say that he swallowed extra fluid, or know that Josh cut the umbilical cord, or that the doctor accidentally nicked the umbilical cord after and sent blood all over the floor. My eyes were only set on him!

Childbirth is terrifying and anxiety filled. But when it is actually happening you aren’t thinking about it. You are just doing it and it is a beautiful moment. I cried for hours just looking at him and thinking about how beautiful he is. (Yes, boys can be beautiful!) All the anxiety was worth it! Don’t be afraid to feel and express your emotions! It just shows how much you already love your child!

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Maternity Leave!

It is day 3 of my maternity leave and I still have no energy. This baby is sucking the life out of me. I just wish he would arrive sooner rather than later! The house is clean, the laundry is done, and the only thing left to do it pack a hospital bag! Having a child around the holidays was definitely not in our plan but it was definitely in God’s plan! Things seem so hectic trying to see everyone and concentrate on advancing labor. I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday the 12th and I was only 1 cm dilated. I have another appointment on the 19th. If he has not progressed to where they want him to be we will be talking induction date! It all just seems so real now!

Titus James Allen Vukich. That is going to be my baby boy’s name! It’s uncommon but common enough for me! He is already loved so much he will not know what to do with himself when he arrives! He has been moving quite a lot these past few days and pushing much harder against my stomach and I love the feeling! People always ask if it hurts or if he is up in my ribs, no, I have had the best pregnancy a girl could ask for. I didn’t get morning sickness or swelling ankles. I quite literally felt like I did before I got pregnant, except there was something that moved inside my abdomen every once and a while. I fear losing this bond I have with him after he is born! There will be a new bond but I won’t be carrying him around with me 24/7 to work, appointments, or to bed every night. He will be near me but he won’t be a part of me and that saddens me. But to be able to actually hold him for the first time puts be right back into getting the ball rolling!

You never pay attention to how messy your home is until you have your first child! The nesting you go through is a real sickness! I call it a sickness because you are thinking about it all day and there are just some days that you don’t have the energy to do anything. Especially when you work all day in the kitchen, come home, shower, and cook dinner all you want to do is sit down and relax! And that is exactly what you have to do sometimes. I used to make lists of chores that needed done and get them done in one day. Now, I make lists and I have to get 2 items done by a certain time then I can rest. You can’t over exhaust yourself or you won’t get anything accomplished! It’s hard dealing with the reality that you have to slow down! But in the end the cleaning and the preparing are not worth it! All that matters is that little baby who relies completely on you for life and food!

In the end I pray to God that he watches over my family and leads us in the direction he has already chosen for us! He already knows the path and we have to completely rely on him, just like a baby to their mother!